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Do Not Fuck With An Albatross

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This is my fixed version of http://slatestarscratchpad.tumblr.com/post/137982243586/the-rime-of-the-ancient-mariner-2-announced , which is hilarious and wonderful but has some minor issues I couldn’t make myself ignore ; I have an allergy to bad rhyme and scansion, especially in poems that I have memorized (and, indeed, have in my flashcard set, so I see the thing every day).

The sky turned black, the sea turned black
The moon was lost in mist
The goddamn albatross was back
And he was fucking pissed.

I asked "How are you hale and well?
And from the sky descended?"
Said it: "I am a shade from Hell.
I've come to see you ended."

And then it raised a ghostly wing
The sky was lost in shadow
And from the sea, all glistening
Arose a damned sharknado.

The Wedding-Guest, he rolled his eyes
So strange a tale to hear
But still spoke on that ancient man
The wild-eyed Mariner:

"I ran like heck across the deck
But the sharks flew much too fast
The maelstrom shot one at my neck
And thus I breathed my last."

"Hold on now," said the Wedding-Guest
Amidst the festive cheer
“If perished ye upon that sea
How came you to be here?

How came you to be here with me?
O, answer that, I ask!”
The Mariner removed his face
As if it were a mask

Inside there was an Albatross
It gave an awful shriek
It slammed into the Wedding-Guest
And slew him with its beak.

Farewell, farewell, but this I tell
I tell it to thee plain
Do not fuck with an albatross
Those fuckers are insane.